Fruits Basket Mystery Theatre
by R Junkie
Summary: Demented. Perverted. Loosely based on Sherlock Holmes and Earthworm Jim.


Disclaimer: I don't own Yummy Yuki or any Fruits Basket Character. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sun was shining, the sky was a gorgeous shade of crystalline blue, the trees swayed gently in the cool refreshing breeze and the birds were singing to anyone and everyone.

Yes. It was going to be another anime-perfect day. The atmosphere spoke of tranquility so harmonious and saccharine that it incited most diabetics to up their insulin doses and parents to hide their children lest they be swayed into a hyperactive sugar high state. This kind of ambiance was so perfect and surreal that it could only be shattered by evil. And not just any evil. Dark, nasty, hell-borne evil. A transgression so heinous, so atrocious and wicked that Satan himself could only bow down in submission, pack his bags and resume his duties as District attorney. 

But that was exactly what happened….and things would never be the same again.

"ARGHHHHHHHHH!" The anguished cry reverberated through out the house, waking all of its inhabitants, even the ever so slumbering and succulent Yuki Sohma. The 3 teens threw their doors open simultaneously and rushed out into the hallway to see what kind of bloody festival of carnage was taking place.

"THE HORROR!" Shigure howled. 

The Teens stumbled into the hall,

"THE INHUMANITY!" 

and each other and causing two cursed boys to transform into their respective Jyuunishi bodies, Yuki's frail form soaring into the air from the force of impact,

"THE INDIGNITY!" He moaned.

Wide eyed and horror-struck, Tohru's shaking hands reached out to catch the mouse, cradling him to safety, grabbing Kyo's cat form under her arm…

"THE AGONY!" 

and hurried downstairs to save what she could of Shigure, and possible gently admonish his tormentors and send them onto the path of goodwill and righteousness.

"YOU WICKED, WICKED PEOPLE! AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU! YOU HATEFUL UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN!" 

The words were spoken with so much contempt and hurt that Tohru was brought to her knees at the bottom of the staircase, her heart pounding furiously in her chest, tears forming in her eyes at the possibility that it was she who was responsible for Shigure's current state.

"SHIGURE SAN!" She wailed, "WHAT EVER IT IS! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Yuki and Kyo tried to calm her but she was inconsolable. She stopped crying as she noticed a pair of large manicured feet standing in front of her. 

Shigure's feet of course, and the novelist's eyes held more suspicion and fury than ever seen before. His lips were pressed together as to hold back the screams of outrage bubbling up inside. He reached down to grab Yuki in one hand and a fistful of Kyo's feline fur in the other. Kneeling down to Tohru's eye level all while keeping a firm hold on his outraged cousins. He leveled them all a solemn glance, forcing them into an obedient silence as he opened his mouth and spoke;

"Tohru Kun, Yuki Kun, Kyo Kun. There is an evildoer in this household. Some one whose envy of the bounties the gods have bestowed upon others has driven them to commit an act so vile and hateful, that it threatens to destroy the trust between the members of his household."

Yuki found his voice first "Shigure? What are you talking about?"

The man turned to face the silver mouse.

"I'm talking about an act someone committed in the darkness of the night. Under the shadows of deceit. A deliberate 

act only to covet sacred treasures; instigate and damage the vital bonds of family and friendship!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kyo snarled, paws clawing in the air as he tried to scratch the arm holding him. "Start making sense!"

"Don't say anymore Kyo Kun. You are a suspect and anything you say can and will be used against…"

'POOF' 

The weight in Shigure's hands multiplied a hundred fold as two naked boys fell unceremoniously to the floor.

The scene surprisingly, brought tears to Shigure's eyes. Seeing his beloved cousins so vulnerable, and well, naked… 

"WHY?" he wept, "Why did you do it? My heart, it's broken into a hundred thousand pieces and may require the reluctant cooperation of a Hanyo and a human to restore! What did I do to incite such hatred?  How long did you plan this?"

While the man cried out his heartbreak, Tohru's anguished eyes were fixated on the man she considered her guardian. Seeing him in such a miserable state welled up a powerful desire to help him. She would make certain that justice was served and the perpetrators punished, or at least given a lengthy lecture followed by some tea and cookies to ensure that there were no hard feelings. This drive was so overwhelming that it blinded her from the fact that there were two luscious naked bodies flanking her. Yuki's pale porcelain perfection and Kyo's tanned tantalizing forms were invisible to her. She was a woman with a mission!

"Shigure san! Please whatever it is, we can solve it! Please don't be sad! I'm sure it's all a misunderstanding. No one in this house wishes you any harm. We are all so grateful for what you've done; just tell us what's wrong!"

"The mere thought that my own little flower, my future wife, the object of my perversion..er, affection could betray me so…" Shigure bawled, "But its no misunderstanding! It's gone! It was there! I put it in there myself! And now it's gone!"

"What is it?" Yuki insisted.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kyo demanded.

"My…" The sorrow was so overwhelming that Shigure's words were interrupted by a massive sobbing session.

"Shigure San, Just tell us what it is and I'm sure we'll find it!"

"You won't, it's gone! It's irreplaceable!"

"Let us at least try to…"

"Dear gods!" Shigure raised his hands up to the sky in supplication as he wailed "WHERE'S MY PUDDIN'?"

**Fruits Basket Mystery Theater **

**Episode 1, "Where's my puddin'?"**

"I watched Tohru Kun mix all the ingredients." Shigure said in a forlorn tone, as the teens surrounded him, listening to his pathetic tale "Add the milk and sugar, divide it into bowls and put it in the fridge, her skirt riding up when…."

'POW'

Two outraged boys put a stop to any further indecencies. "SHUT UP YOU PERVERT!"

It was then that Tohru noticed their current state of undress, squealed and covered up her eyes only after getting an eyes full of scrumptious displays of yummy yummy (For lack of better words, R Junkie smiles widely).

"EEKK!" Tohru squealed, intending to file what she saw to the 'mysterious objects I know nothing about yet-but hopefully will real soon' mental folder.

"Kombaya! Did some one call for me?" A friendly furry purple cat appeared at the door.

Yuki and Kyo hurried upstairs to dress, momentarily preoccupied with something other than cousin-cide, pointedly ignoring the newcomer. The purple feline took in the scene and decided at it would be wiser to face Sharky wearing a Steak pendant rather than stick around to find out why there were two naked boys prancing around, beating up on dressed household members.

Tohru helped an emotionally exhausted Shigure to sit up. Waiting for him calm down and explain. _Maybe Shigure really likes Pudding. She smiled inwardly as she thought; I'd like to learn more about them. Shigure San, Yuki Kun and Kyo Kun. What they like and what they don't, slowly and naturally._

Shigure was unfazed by the flower petals, rays of sunshine, confetti and floating pink elephants that appeared around her as she thought about her usual sappy things, "It was the last bowl! It was mine! I had first dibs! I called it!" he cried. 

"It's alright Shigure San! I can make more if you like!" The girl soothed.

"You don't understand Tohru Kun. The company went under. They will never make anymore of their incredible cucumber potatoes rice delights."

Tohru's picture perfect smile faltered slightly. _Ok, so he REALLY likes… Pudding!_

"I searched high and low for their products. I even had Mi Chan use all her resources to find the last remaining box in an abandoned grocery in Okinawa!"

"Shigure San!" Tohru pouted, "I wish you would've told me how special this pudding was to you…I would've done things differently had I knew. Please forgive me!"

Shigure suddenly straightened. His face the epitome of seriousness. "It's too late for that Tohru Kun. There's no use crying over spilled milk. A crime was committed and the guilty must be punished and made into an example for all, so 

that pudding lovers everywhere may enjoy their desserts without fear!" 

He faced the now dressed, yet still irritated, Yuki and Kyo and said "Now, it is time for retribution! There shall be a reckoning and no one shall be safe until we find the culprit!"

Tohru gasped in shock. "But Shigure San…!"

"I'm sorry Tohru Kun, but I must proceed down this path of justice. No matter how perilous it maybe! An example must be set for you naughty youngster! Now, if only we could find an amazing detective with a wit so matchless that this scandalous crime could be resolved with the utmost style and accuracy!"

"Did some one call for an amazing detective with a wit so matchless that this scandalous crime could be resolved with the utmost style and accuracy?"  A boisterous voice exclaimed loudly. 

The household members turned towards the door as the intruder made himself known,

"Like the brightest sunshine through the misty fog. A Full moon on the darkest night. Like 'Fairy' on grease. Like 'Symantec' on the W32.Blaster Worm. And Shout' on the toughest stain! My glorious presence is here to fulfill my prophecy of uprooting evil from its base foundation and banishing it to the furthest galaxy, leaving behind masses of gratitude and bliss and letting the aliens deal with it instead!. Purging the malevolent presence form this world. Children will finally be safe from the monsters under their beds, old women can walk down the street without fear of purse snatchers, inboxes will be safe from the I love you virus! Rejoice! For it is I, the amazing Ayame himself. I have come to solve this mind-boggling puzzle, find the fiend behind the carnage all while maintaining my exceptional style and grace, my hair silky and tangle free and bonding with my beautiful little brother!" Ayame appeared in all his well dressed glory, a dark and long Chinese style coat, meant to help him blend into the shadows and dark shades as part of his incognito attire, as if there were other loud Japanese detectives named Ayame with long silvery hair, a fetish for Novelists and Doctors and bonding with siblings, but we won't tell him that. 

He teleported to where Yuki was and attempted to hug him. "Oh Yuki! How it breaks my heart to consider my own splendid flesh and blood as a suspect! Know that it is with extreme distraught that I put aside our familial bond and treat you as I treat the common criminal! Oh how does this magnificent heart tremble at that the thought that my poor neglected little brother could be the one behind this appalling crime! Yuki?! Why didn't you come to me? You didn't have to resort to this! I am always here for you and even if  you were found guilty, I shall be there for you, standby you and support you with only the bars holding you captive separating us from the righteous brotherly bond that certainly will be your only salvation from further self destruction! In fact…"

A well placed blow to the head stopped Ayame from elaborating further. Yuki panted with barely controlled rage. "I am not a criminal you lunatic!"

Kyo added to that "And it's only pudding! What's the big deal about it! It's not like he lost his life savings! What the hell is this?"

"Ah but I guess that a sheltered one such as Kyonkichi Kun may not know the true horror behind losing one's pudding. Think of it this way Kyonkichi Kun; soft luscious mounds of sweetness. Creamy thickness of surrender. Supple delights in a ready to use form that acts only to entice the senses and satisfy the …"

"Um Aya," Shigure interrupted, glancing at the glazed eyed, drooling teens, "Not that kind of pudding." 

"Ora? You mean it was real pudding? HA HA HA! My bad! My bad!"

"But that's Ok Aya, so long as you're here to comfort me in my time of need, I won't any pudding!" Shigure's tears disappeared and he began to run in slow motion towards the other.

"Gure San! I came because of you!" Ayame exclaimed loudly and profanely, hurrying towards Shigure as well. 

"You're the one who does this to me so don't leave me half way you tease!" 

The glazed look left the teens' eyes and now all there were struggling to retain their dinner in their digestive tracts as the two men continued to run towards each other, spouting things that shouldn't be repeated.

"Now, enough dawdling! Let us begin the investigation! I must have everyone's full co-operation; otherwise it could be a painful and lengthy ordeal for all of us! ... KyonKichi Kun! Where are you going? To leave means that you are guilty of something!"

"I am not staying around for this shit!" Kyo responded angrily.

"Ah!  So I guess the investigation is over. KyonKichi Kun, you are obstructing justice and thus a true wrong doer! And Evil doers are the kind of people who steal pudding from the safety of the fridge. And so it is with the powers placed within me that I place you under arrest for the deliberate crime of pudding snatching!"

"WHAT!"

"Ano, Ayame San, please. We'll all cooperate if it will make Shigure San feel any better!" She turned and gave the reluctant teens a look so endearing and eager and that they sighed dejectedly, not able to let her down.

"Well, Tohru Kun's soulful cry is what saved you this time KyonKichi Kun. Like what they say, innocent until proven guilty, but bear in mind that I will keep my eye on you and next time there shall be no mercy!" Ayame chided the redhead.

Kyo snorted. Yuki continued to glare and Tohru looked expectant. 

"Such a complex case requires special measures and so, it is with great pleasure that I introduce my apprentice. One aspiring to follow in my magnanimous footsteps. While he has many years to go to attain the same standing of flair and wonder as I, he is off to a good start, come come little one!"

"YAY! Thanks Aya!" Momiji bounced in out of nowhere "I'm Aya's fashionable and adorable assistant detective and secret weapon!" He was dressed in a long dark trench coat and waved around a chocolate pipe. (No you perverts! A pipe! An inanimate object and nothing else, sheesh! Either way, Momiji's pipe wouldn't be chocolate...^_^)

"Momiji Kun!" Tohru exclaimed in surprise.

"Why did you drag Momiji into this?" Yuki demanded of his laughing brother.

"Ah Man! Just what I need, more noise!" Kyo frowned, crossing his arms and turning away from the group.

"Aya! A side kick? You've been hiding this from me!" Shigure whined, "I thought there were no secrets between us."

"Don't be silly Gure San. I could never keep any _real_ secrets from you! You know me inside and out! My pros and cons, my ups and down. I am like a map readily spread out for you to navigate through!" Ayame replied through lidded eyes. 

"Well then, should I get my …compass?" Shigure asked intimately.

"And what is the intended course of travel, Gure San?"

"Oh South, definitely south…" 

"I AM NOT LISTENING TO THIS!" Kyo shouted in horrified disgust.

Yuki had covered his ears half way and was humming loudly, eyes clenched shut. Not wanting to see or hear anything anymore.  

Momiji had tuned them out while he snuggled up to Tohru, who in turn was trying not to think about the metaphorical intimation behind compasses and pudding. 

Suddenly, Ayame turned away from the heavily romantic mood and clapped his hands! 

"Now little one! It's time you apply what I taught you!" 

"Hai!" Momiji exclaimed happily, moved to the center of the room to get everyone's attention, reading from a scribbled filled notebook "Aya's surefire crime fighting methods. Step one, STRIP SEARCH!" No sooner had he finished speaking, that he launched himself at the unsuspecting Tohru. "I WANNA SEARCH TOOOOHRU!"

The redness of Tohru's face would rival that of any ripe tomato or Versace's latest lipstick and incite a bull into full rage. Yuki's jaw dropped open. Kyo was much more expressive.

'POW' 

"YOU DAMN PERVERT! GET AWAY FROM HER!" 

Ayame and Shigure laughed. "HA HA! What a studious boy! Putting theory directly into action!" The silver haired man immediately turned to face the novelist, smiling gently and suggestively, "I know that you are the victim Gure San, but 

I must ensure that no evidence has been… placed on you." 

"Let's go inside then, it would be more… convenient!" Shigure replied warmly.

"Certainly, I want to be as… thorough as possible" 

Yuki's head was spinning. Between his brother and Shigure's explicit flirting, Momiji's shrill cries, and Kyo's colorful language. He felt his head about to explode. Tohru noticed his distress and was immediately at his side. "Yuki Kun? Are you alright?"

"Honda San! Let's get out of here before this gets any worse" He said urgently, glancing around him to ensure that he wasn't heard. Too late…

"Little brother! That I cannot allow! All suspects must remain here till we find the guilty one!" Ayame then turned towards Kyo who was giving Momiji some Noogie therapy all while the blonde wailed. "Kyonkichi Kun! I wouldn't make him cry too hard!"

"Shut up! This is all your fault! Making him an even bigger pervert than he already is!" Kyo applied more pressure to Momiji's head.

"Don't say I didn't warn you!" Aya replied pleasantly. "He is not my secret weapon for nothing!"

"Waaaaaaahh! Kyo ga butta! Waa! Waa! WAAAAAAAA!" what started as a soft cherubic cry that touched the heart of all females world wide, became a vicious howl meant to instill fear into the hearts of mortals everywhere. Kyo froze in place, a look of terror on his face as a loud magical 'POOF' was heard and suddenly, he was crushed under the weight of something huge. "OH MY GOD!" he cried.

"Kyo Kun!' Tohru squealed. Yuki sweat dropped. What is this? Are we on candid camera? 

"HA HA HA! It is my secret weapon of course! The agonizing interrogation of Momiji's dreaded form! Feel the terror!"

By this time the colorful smoke had cleared and Kyo was no longer afraid; rather, he was incredibly annoyed by the large fluffy bunny that was gnawing on his head "CONFESS! CONFESS!" it was saying in a deep throaty voice.

"That's right!" Ayame twirled dramatically, "Confess and you shall be spared!"

"CONFESS WHAT? GET OFF ME!"

"Momiji Kun?" Tohru took a step towards the gigantic mammal "Is that really you?"

"TOOOROOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" The gigantic Momiji cried in the same monstrous voice as he turned to face the girl, about to jump into her arms but Ayame stopped him. "Little one! One must not mix pleasure with work! No matter how inviting the opportunity may seem, you must focus at the task at hand!"

The bunny pouted, well, as well as a bunny could pout anyhow and resumed nibbling on Kyo's head. "CONFESS! CONFESS!"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! GET OFF ME!"

"Hmm. Kyonkichi is much more resilient than I though. Saa saa, Step Two."

"AWW! I WAS STARTING TO ENJOY THIS!" 'POOF' and Momiji reverted to his original cursed form and flew into Tohru's arms. "Step Two. Question all witnesses and suspects!" He recited, holding the notebook in a fuzzy yellow paw. 

Yuki felt himself devoured by righteous ire. "Why in the world is questioning after the strip search!"

"AH Yuki! My innocent and naïve little brother. When you are older, you will understand the true reason behind that order! But if you like, I can have you and Tohru Kun strip search each other later!"

"Y…You… SHUT UP!" Yuki yelled while Tohru buried her face in her hands, trying not to think about Yuki and strip searching and cavity searching and cops and handcuffs and batons and pyramids and formations and the KamaSutra and….

Kyo's rage meter passed 100,000,000 and boiling. "AAAAAAAARGH!" 

"KyonKichi Kun! Don't worry! I can't leave you out! That would be inhuman! I'm sure that they wouldn't mind letting you watch! And if not, I assure you that you will be searched without fail! Every inch, curve and every crevice will be explored!"  

Shigure intercepted Kyo's furious punches and turned to Ayame. "Ne, Aya, isn't it time to start the questioning?"

"Yes! Let us begin!"

Momiji, now in human form, appeared beside him, fully dressed. "Ok! Now Shi Chan! Tell us about the pudding the last time you saw it!"

Ayame nodded his approval and Momiji squealed in delight. Shigure looked thoughtful, "Well, I saw it last night around eight. It was in a round glass ice cream bowl."

"Hmmm. What color was it?"

"It had a unique shade of yellow that I never saw else where. Brownish with a tinge of green, also, it was a little more firm than most puddings."

"I see. And when did you discover that it was missing?"

"An hour ago. That was about eight." Shigure's serious façade evaporated "My poor innocent pudding bowl! And the culprit had the nerve to leave the bowl and spoon on the counter just to spite me!" he agonized.

"There there Gure San! We're here to see that justice is served. So, we have a twelve hour window in which the crime was committed!"

"Stop saying crime like it was something important!"  Kyo said heatedly.

"But it was something important to me Kyo Kun! Or don't you care about me at all? After all I've done for you? You always were the nasty ungrateful one~! Aya arrest him!"

"WHAT!"

"Shi Chan! Innocent until proven guilty!" Momiji chided in a singsong voice, then turned to face the others. "Tohru? You made the pudding?"

"Ah, yes. I made it yesterday afternoon and divided it into three bowls."

"Why three? Aren't there four of you?"

"Well, it was a rather small amount, and I didn't want to impose…."

"AH WHAT A SACRIFICE THAT IS! I SHALL RAIN THOUSAND OF PRAISES UPON YOUR SELFLESS SOUL TOHRU KUN!" Ayame cried out in admiration.

"Ok, so let's continue. Yuki, Where were you yesterday from 8 pm to eight this morning?" Momiji scribbled some stuff on his notebook.

All eyes were on the beautiful silver haired boy who sighed then answered as seriously as he could. "We ate dinner around 7:30 correct?" looking over at the girl for assurance before continuing, "I helped Honda San with the dishes then we studied a bit and went to bed."

"Together?!" Ayame insinuated. "HA HA HA! YUKI! You cheeky little…." 

"NO! STOP TWISTING EVERYTHING AROUND!" Yuki replied, scandalized, shooting a fleeting glance at a red faced Tohru.

"Hmph. I was merely trying to see if you had an alibi all night till eight this morning!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!"

"Haaa…" Tohru was all she could say out of embarrassment, while trying not to think of having an alibi like that with the beautiful Yuki.

"Well, we all know what a sound sleeper Yuki Kun is, so I seriously doubt that he got up in the middle of the night to attack my pudding." Shigure scratched his head, "Tohru Kun and Yuki Kun were together all night then, right Tohru Kun?"

"Only until we went to bed!" She squeaked. 

"Yes Yes! We got that! But I have to ask if my darling little brother had a share of this pudding?"

"Well, actually I did see something like that in the fridge and when I went to have some I found it unusually thick and 

sticky. You were working on the math, right Honda San?"

"That's right! Yuki Kun went down to the kitchen then came up to work on some posters for the school!" She added. 

"I actually dropped some pudding on my papers. And they all stuck together like it was superglue or something, so I used it as glue for my posters. It was the best and fastest acting glue I ever used!"

"MY PUDDING! Humiliated and forced to act as glue! You evil little boy! How dare you disgrace my pudding?" Shigure cried. 

"Gure San! Please, you must control yourself, at least while we are in public. Save some of that enthusiasm for me. Tohru Kun, did you return to the kitchen before going to bed?"

She shook her head. 

"Alright then, KyonKichi Kun. You are obviously the odd one out in this case, since Tohru Kun wisely chose to spend her time with my versatile little brother, leaving you alone, without a companion all last night. Surely you spent all your lonesome time plotting and waiting for the others to fall asleep to take your revenge!" Ayame pointed at the redhead theatrically.  

"WHAT!?"

"Well, do you have anything to say in your defense?" Momiji asked seriously.

"Hell Yeah!  After dinner I watched Shigure torture his editor till about nine then I went to bed."

"Yes, Kyo Kun even came to say good night!" Tohru smiled. 

"And did you have any of this pudding?" 

Kyo looked away in slight embarrassment. "I saw the bowl in the fridge and took one to eat, but I dropped the bowl on the floor. When I went to clean it, it had burned a hole right through the floor so I kinda cover it up with a floor mat. Then it occurred to me to use what was left in that clogged sink upstairs and it cleared it up!"

"WHY YOU!" Shigure wept "Superglue and 'Draino'! Oh my poor shamed pudding!" 

"NOW NOW CHILDREN!" Ayame interjected "Momiji? Do we have all their claims down?"

"CLAIMS?!"

"Sure, until we find the perpetrator, they are all claims!"

"Now, Step three. Examine the scene of the crime!" Momiji yelled excitedly.

In the kitchen, Ayame examined the empty bowl and the fridge contents. "I see nothing to indicate anything other than that the criminal was in a hurry to act and left this not to instigate but rather as a deliberate need to be caught and tried! Whoever he is! He wants to be stopped! He needs to be stopped! Subconsciously he is crying out for help! For his own sanity and wellbeing! Fear not whoever you are! Salvation is coming!"

"Aya! We used all your methods but we still don't know who did it!" Momiji asked worriedly, "Did we do something wrong?"

"IMPOSSIBLE! The criminal is eluding us only because he is thinking with a mentality so inferior to that of mine that I cannot comprehend his poor thinking. It could be that the guilty is actually a group rather than one person. Look at it this way; Now that we know that this was no ordinary pudding and that it had many deadly uses, KyonKichi Kun used it to sharpen his kitty claws…"

"SAYS WHO?" Kyo cried in outrage

"Then Tohru Kun used some to sharpen her kitchen knives…" Ayame ignored him

"THAT'S SO STUPID!" Kyo continued

"And my dear brother Yuki used it as pesticide in his garden!"

"Unbelievable." Yuki buried his face in his hands

"Or rather" Ayame looked around critically "Looking at the evidence I can conclude that the culprit was actually Yuki, 

Tohru Kun and Kyo Kun's WILD ORGY OF LOVE! Don't despair Gure San, you sacrificed your pudding for a great cause in that it was taken by these horny teenagers for its more versatile uses and the hole in the floor is actually the floor being worn out from the friction built up by hot sweaty steamy bodies moving against each other in the primal dance of ….."

Said teenagers looked at each other and screamed "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" 

"Well, then, if you don't like what I came up with, then its time to return to the Surefire crime fighting methods. STRIP SEARCH!" 

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!"

"NIISAN! THAT IS ENOUGH!"

"ME FIRST AYA!"   

"I WANNA SEARCH TOOOOOHRUUUUU!"                                                                                      

"EEKKKKKKKK!"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     "Kombaya! There they go again Sharky!" Eek exclaimed, looking over at the currently pacifistic dog as they listened to the noises coming from inside the house. "I'm not sure that I want to see what they want. I know it would rude to ignore them but I don't think it's a good idea to get involved just yet!" 

"As tempting as it is to begin with my darling Gure San, I fear that I must turn to the real suspects. Tohru Kun! You shall be first!" 

The temperature of the room suddenly dropped several degrees as Yuki's cold soul aura spread around him and the room "I dare you…" he stated simply, glaring at his brother through eyes so frightening that Ayame gulped loudly and took a step back. 

"Ok, so not Tohru Kun then, Yuki!" Ayame launched himself at his surprised brother, all while Shigure began to chase a horrified Kyo around the table and Momiji snuggled up to Tohru, forgetting all about his detective duties.

The room was filled with the yells and screams of outrage. Then a new voice joined in…

"HMMMMMMMMM!" 

Shigure turned away from Kyo to see his ever so in tears editor running towards him… in tears.

"HMMMMMMMMMMM HMMMMMM!"

"Mi Chan! What is it? You make less sense than usual!"

"HMMMMMMMMM!" she cried, grabbing Momiji's notebook, and writing 'I always knew that you were cruel, but I 

never thought that you'd purposely try to kill me!'

"Eh? Kill you? What are you talking about?"

'Putting cement in an ice cream bowl and leaving it for me to eat!' she scribbled, crying all the while 'I can't open my mouth!'

"You mean to say it was you who ate the last pudding bowl!" Yuki asked, eyes narrowed.

"HMM!" She nodded, 'It's not pudding! Its quick acting cement that he put in there to try to kill me just so he could get out of his deadline!' she turned to Shigure and began to strangle him "HMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

"Ah! I See Aya! The reason why no one was guilty was because no one here was guilty!" Momiji concluded.

"That's right little one!" Ayame ran his hands through his long hair.

"So we didn't really do anything…" Momiji stated, downcast. 

"But were we stylish?" Ayame demanded. 

"Yes!"

"Did we handle the situation with the utmost grace?"

"Yes!"

"Did we use our unmatched wit to put together the clues at hand?'

"NO!!!!!!!!!" Yuki and Kyo yelled simultaneously.

"How rude! You are truly an ungrateful lot!"

"Oh Aya, I'm truly grateful for your visit to me in my time of need." Shigure pulled Ayame close.

"Gure San, what do you say to me investigating that other pudding?"

**And so ends Episode 1 of the Fruits Basket Mystery Theater. Next time, "Whose hand marks are those around Ayame's neck?" **

OK! so that was total crap. I know I know, but hey you read this far, right? Anyway, this could be a one shot, but I have some ideas for other 'Mysteries', if you got a suggestion, let me know!

If anyone didn't get the incredibly perverted innuendo's I put here and there, good for you! You don't need to be a freak like me who could find something sick about pudding.

And yes, "Where's my puddin'?" is a line I got from a very funny Saturday night live skit ages ago. It was such a perfect line that I couldn't help but use it.

"Eek the Cat" is everybody's favorite friendly and unbelievably naïve feline neighbor. Sharky is his girlfriend's intelligent yet short-tempered Sharkdog.

Some references were taken from my "A Fruits Basket Halloween" fic for obvious reasons such as my limited imagination/creativity.

Thanks to my brother and sister for reading and allowing me to corrupt their innocent minds. And to the ever so benevolent and eloquent Tsukitani for her help. So I didn't kill Akito, but Tsukitani read the below, it's all for you...^_^

**Else where…******

Akito's sinister eyes narrowed with barely controlled fury as Hatori entered the dark quarters. 

"Hatori." Akito glared. "Did you get it?"

"No Akito, I'm afraid they were all out. I had every single supermarket and grocery in the city searched. There isn't a single place left."

"That damn Shigure. Gets me hooked on it when it's not to be found anywhere." Akito snarled "I don't care what you have to do Hatori, I want my puddin'!"

"There's nothing I can do" The older Sohma replied calmly

Apparently, that wasn't the answerer Akito wanted. He glared at the stoic Doctor and screamed. "I WANT MY PUDDIN'!"

He began to break everything he could get his hands on. Vases, glasses, cups, chairs, tables, guitars, piñatas, grand pianos….

With nothing left to smash and the ire still consuming him, Akito gave a loud screech "WHERE' MY PUDDIN'?" He jumped around in fury, stomping all over the room and then opted to throwing himself on the floor, banging on the floor and throwing a tantrum like he's never done before. "WHERE'S MY PUDDIN'! WHERE'S MY PUDDIN'! WHERE'S MY PUDDIN'! WHERE'S MY PUDDIN'!" (it was no longer a question)

And he continued to stomp and break and scream and…

Suddenly, it was quiet. Hatori, who kept his eyes closed during this entire ordeal, opened them cautiously and looked around…Akito was lying motionless amongst the rubble.

Hatori took a step closer, warily approaching the immobile figure. Bending down, Akito's eyes were wide open, drool seeping from his slack mouth. Hatori gave him a shake. No response. "Akito? AKITO? GET UP!"

Nothing. 

Hatori stood up slowly, shaking as he tried to think of something to do in this case.

The family head was dead. What were they going to do now? Who was going to keep the family together? What about…

Wait a minute!

He was dead. That Bastard Akito, was dead.

HALLELUJA!

A wide smile spread across Hatori's face as he turned around, stepping over Akito's body and left the room. After putting on his sweet buns leather pants and his 'Who's your Daddy?' T-shirt, he headed to the garage and uncovered his hidden, never before used Harley and got on. He stuck a smoking cigarette in his mouth and revved his bike.

"Hatori Sama! Where are you going?" A distraught servant asked.

"I'm going to get myself some…pudding!" Hatori smiled widely.

**The end.******

Yes, it was demented, but Akito's humiliated and dead isn't he? And Hatori's a fine peace of a physician isn't he? Oh Hatori! You can examine me anytime! 

Let me know what you think! ^_^

And Don't despair, Chapter 16 of "A Warm Place" is coming up soon!


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